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08:33pm 19/07/2005
  dum dum dum dum!
This is the end!
Bye bye!
Journal of a mindfucker.   
01:33pm 16/06/2005

The Fag:
A perfect asshole. We seemed like a grand duet, we could have ruled, I imagine. Yet your self-centered attitude that rivals mine in every way makes me angrier than any enemy would. We've grown too close to step back now and I've no right to judge you on your judgements, however collide with me more often and you'll find yourself alone.

The Koi:
You're truly the only one I've never desired to hurt. You've been nothing but kind to me and lovely for putting up with me. However, the closer I get the more you seem to run from me. It's no easy task to ignore the rage you fill me with, and you loathe me more when I don't hesitate to let you know. I've decided to leave you, to your own devices and to her. I know she will hurt you because I've known her before, but I won't tell you that. Sometimes you have to fuck your life up by yourself to learn the truth.

The Airen:
You can't just hide away and avoid me if you're afraid of what you feel. It can't be so horrible to love me that you'd kill me to be done with it. I don't believe it and I won't. I'm sick of making your excuses for you to allow me in your life. If you want to see me fine, I'm not begging you anymore. Your absence could be hell or it could be what we need. Either way, I wish you well in your trip.

The Ryuusei:
And still you plauge my mind. It's fine if you miss me but don't remind me that I might still need you. I don't think I do, but I may. You've brought me strong to this place and thanks. I wish you would come out of the shadows and show yourself. My strings are tired and since you've retired, it's no fun. If you're thinking of me let me know, it can't be too bad to set something up in flames.

The Rose:
So you've found that one at last. How to be happy when the love of your life marries? Well 'tis no matter now, I've agreed to serve you. Your giddy grin sets my heart a light and I don't think I could be happier. I know you'll always want me there. Foolish, don't you think that you should ask for me when we both know you're to be wed soon? Maybe it was a slip of the tongue. I love you for it all the more.

The Link:
And what to say to the greatest love of all? Your strength astounds me and I've no idea how I've gone without your love. Or your smile, or that part of my soul you left me with. I crave your presence and I suppose that entitles me to demanding it. You'll be hearing from me soon.

mmm pretty   
08:25am 29/11/2004
  well I think I've fallen in love all over again.
Feels good when that happens, doesn't it?
The pretty ring on my finger makes the day seem brighter... who would have thought she loved me that much?
I'm in such a good mood lately, excellent weekend. It was so pretty and fluffy and scary all at the same time.
I don't know what to say to Leah, I don't know what she wants from me and frankly I don't know what I want from her either, we never were that good together anyway.

Oh pretty... so pretty...
I feel like dancing...
08:22am 26/11/2004
  So... if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times... I HAVE PROBLEMS!
Big ones apparantly... I went to a counciller the other day and he truthfully said that he had never seen a case like mine...
what I REALLY wanted to know from him is if I needed Professoinal Help (which I do) and if I had a hope of finding someone with a similar 'issue' I could relate to...

Goddammit, I said he wasn't at liberty to tell me of any other people with my problem but he said there was a slight variation to my stories...

I just want to talk to someone, dammit!

Maybe I'm just not 'normal' enough... there's gotta be SOMEONE.
12:35pm 25/11/2004
  oooh... I'm going to go talk to a therapist soon...
I've a problem... I don't know if it's normal, maybe it's just hormones... but then.. maybe I'm very sick...
10:45am 15/11/2004
  I'm falling.

The water makes the world around you swirl...
I'm a fish, I can breathe.

I was born without wings.
10:41am 10/11/2004
  I'm sorry but I can't do it.
You're disappointed with me, I know.
But I can't continue this way. You're shaking your head right now but I think you understand.
You can't expect one to live where they do not belong.
I have to go back, I have to.
I can't pretend that I can survive in reality like everyone else can.
It's like a fish without water, I can't breath.
I'm caving in on myself but it'll restore my insanity.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
I was the drama freak and you've made me the queen.

I can be a souless shell then, since you've taken it with you.
A soul-less being in reality but at least I can hide from them and from memories of you.

It's your fault.

08:23am 10/11/2004

Ha pp y  Bi r t h d a y


I'm determined to be happy on your special day.

08:21am 10/11/2004
  I am going to die.  
08:24am 08/11/2004
  I didn't mean it.
I promise if you talk to me again I won't bore you with my stories or make you feel bad for leaving me.
I'll do everything you ask of me and I won't fight you anymore.
I'll admit the way I loved of you and tell it to the worlds, I wouldn't be ashamed. I wouldn't hide from you.
I need you to talk to me.
I need you to help me.
Help me.
I think I'm dying.
08:18am 08/11/2004
  is it dark where you are?
i hope it smells like fish.
it is dark where i am.
i am not coming out.
game over.
i am not avoiding you i just do not want to play with you anymore.
not anymore.
i do not believe in fate or meant to bes.
i do not believe in you or your smiles.
i cannot stand it, reality.
me in reality is like walking through the park where one was raped.
it has been a while since i cried or cared.
i do not care.
it hurts like a mindfuck
08:19am 05/11/2004
  I found a book of poetry,
I know without looking they are all about you.
You always did inspire me.
How unlike you to go without saying goodbye, even though I know it's not your fault.
Strange how time is so lingering now. So deeply and utterly long.
It's hardly a surprise you would leave me miserable, this distance still abruptly void.
I suppose I could have asked you, for another chance, but it would make our story another predicable cliche.
When everything about you was uniquely theatreatric, I'm disappointed you didn't go with a bang.
A bedside mutter is hardly the appropriate death for one such as yourself.
You always were a better Drama Queen than I.
08:15am 03/11/2004
  Help Me  
.... them alll   
10:20am 28/10/2004
  He’s finally gone… taken away from me… I’ve never felt so miserable in my entire life.
I don’t want to go to the party… but it might do to cheer me up. I have never felt so close to death in my entire life… I’ve never wanted to die as much as I do right now.
I don’t think I’m ever going to smile again…
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.
And that’s why I hate myself.
08:23am 27/10/2004
mood: calm
do you know how there always seems to be that one person in a group who tends to be more 'normal' than the rest?
...we need one of those...

I'm tired, so tired and I have community service duty on Halloween... it's not that bad, I'm working, eating cookies, and decorating for the day I died... but it always takes time away from the people I'd be celebrating death with... poo.

Yesturday was my brother's birthday and today is OUR two year anniversery... wow... 2 years... I barely noticed... I should find that number...

I read the script for 'Robin Hood' (the play we are preforming this year) It's hiliarious. I'm keeping the script no matter what... oh yeah, since I'm so addicted anyway, I've decided to go back and read all that Harry Potter books again and highlight any vital information I happen to find. (Ex: Quidditch and Marauder-centric)

Ok bye.
03:33pm 26/10/2004
  Today Me, Kurt, and Colin talked in corny British Accents (as if we could do anything other than corny anyway) it was fun.
Our teachers thought we were insane... goody for them.
The rest of the students just raised eyebrows at us and tried to get us to say other things. We didn't have much to talk about, much to dismay. Our conversations were usually:

Co: Have you heard me talk?
Ku: You have a horrible accent
Co: You should talk! You are absolutely terrible!
Ku: Blimey, am I really?
Me: You're both horrible and so am I.
Ku: Actually... you're not as bad as Colin...

As you could probably tell we didn't get much work done.
Stupid Colin   
03:41pm 25/10/2004
  Today while I was writing in my 'special' notebook designed for my ideas and such, Colin made the most interesting of comments:
"You're going to be playing and reading Harry Potter fanfiction when you're eighty."
I just stared at him and said, "All the better, then I'll be legal age for some of the stories I read."
He just shrugged and walked away.
The grudge   
03:21pm 22/10/2004
  yay, opening night of the 'grudge' with sarah michelle geller. Me and KC are going. Just because everyone else seems to be working.
For some stupid reason, my cell phone takes forever to deliver text messages and forever to recieve them... how stupid.
My philosophey of life is coming along ok... I'm using mostly quotes from Saiyuki. Just because they have such a profound way of looking at things that I can relate to.
My ringtones are "Alice in Wonderland" "I'd do anything" and "Bohemiem* Raspsody"
*can't spell so sorry.
It amuses me grately, me and my sister havn't been getting alone, but what else is new?
YAY fanfiction... >> <<
And lemon toast... it's a secret though...
08:15am 15/10/2004
mood: DAMN SNOW!!
So Alice Cooper was amazing!
He so lived up to his reputation.
Although I was mildly disappointed that he didn't chop off his head, he did slit a girl's throat and there was a three-way drum solo that made me fall in love with them all over again!
I loved the stories he told us and since most of the crowd was middle-aged people, my sister and I were just jumping around in the crowd with her huge demon-wings and I was dressed like Cooper himself!
God, if I never see another concert in my life, it would be all worth it!!
03:32pm 14/10/2004
mood: bored
I"m reading the book, 'A Child Called "It"'
My God, it's horrible. I'm not screamish like the other girls in my class, but it really bites me anyway. It's so horrific.. I can't imagine ever putting up with that. I'll kill myself first!
And it's a true story! What a sick mind... and I thought my homicidal urges were bad...

Yesturday our school had to stay in over dismissal time because a gang was outside and trying to beat up some students... there's all sorts of rumors flying around now, as you can imagine, and though it's made school a little more interesting, it's still damn annoying.

I'm so bored lately, I really want to play... in the mean time, I suppose I should use a couple of the many stored numbers on my cell phone and plan some dates, there's people that I need to see and people (I hear) who want to see me... perhaps I shall comply...